A Preface: The Ripple Effect of Substance Use on Family Dynamics

My family includes three adult sisters and a mother outside my immediate household. As I reread my post—essentially a journal entry—I realized how much one person, in this case, my sister, can completely disrupt or transform the family dynamic. Her absence—or even her disengagement in past holidays—has often left an impossible void to ignore because we all know the joy she can bring. It’s hard to admit that just one out of five being missing could dampen the entire atmosphere.

Part of why this is difficult to acknowledge is that it feels like defeat. I find myself trying to fill the void, not wanting it to be noticed, but it’s unavoidable. There’s no solution; the void can’t be filled. Her charisma and personality are uniquely hers—irreplaceable. Giving her that much credit is uncomfortable because, on some level, I don’t want to allow anyone to have that kind of power over my mood or our experience. Yet, it’s the truth.

As I reflect, I also feel compelled to address another factor: the role alcohol has played in these celebrations. These gatherings have often revolved around drinking, and while I never intended harm, I now wonder—am I enabling something unhealthy? It’s not heroin, right? But that doesn’t absolve me of responsibility, and I feel even more guilt that I grieve these moments.

I wanted to share these thoughts upfront because they frame the shifting dynamics I’m about to discuss and underscore the ripple effects substance use can have on a family. These layers of complexity have shaped my experience and are a critical context for understanding the reflections that follow.

We Are Not the Cleavers

I will not give you a cliché description of the holiday season and everything it glorifies. We know, we know. For some of us, the reality doesn’t align with the picturesque family scenes we’re told to aspire to.

The holidays can feel anything but traditional for untraditional dynamics, whether it’s the absence of a loved one, strained relationships, or simply a new chapter in life. Here’s how you can try (emphasis on try because I struggle) to navigate a holiday season that looks different than years past and reframe it as an opportunity for growth and empowerment.

Acknowledging the Reality of Imperfect Holidays

We’re often reminded of what the holidays “are supposed” to be–all about family. But for some, those reminders feel like an insult, a stark contrast to personal reality. What if, for instance, you think that your family is the very thing that threatens your mental stability and teeters your emotional balancing act? If your family dynamic is more fraught than festive, it’s okay to recognize that your holidays don’t need to mirror anyone else’s.

For example, this year, my Thanksgiving looked utterly different. Instead of hosting the entire family per tradition, I was alone with my immediate household. Initially, I was angry and saddened by this shift. But when I took a step back, I realized that perhaps this change was necessary. My family’s longstanding dynamics, blurred boundaries, and enmeshment had taken a toll on my mental and emotional well-being. As painful as it felt, maybe change was a step toward something healthier.

Finding Gratitude in Change

At first, I mourned the loss of “tradition.” But as I reflected on my feelings, I started to reframe the narrative. If things had stayed the same and the usual toxic patterns had continued, would that have been better? I realized that change is uncomfortable because it forces us to step out of the familiar, even when the familiar isn’t serving us.

This Thanksgiving, though quieter and less traditional, allowed me to focus on my immediate family—my children, who bring me joy and purpose. It reminded me that gratitude doesn’t have to come from grand gestures or large gatherings. It can be found in the small, meaningful connections we cultivate.

The Emotional Rollercoaster of the Holiday Season

Just as I started to embrace the shift, another emotional wave hit. My youngest son’s birthday falls in early December, a challenging time for any child to feel celebrated amid holiday chaos. The small gathering we managed felt insufficient compared to the lively, laughter-filled celebrations of the past. Again, I felt the pang of loss—of the “old normal.”
But then I grounded myself. What mattered most was that my son felt loved, not the size of the celebration. This quieter birthday might signify a healthier chapter ahead, one that prioritizes quality over quantity.

Shifting Mental Landscapes

Not only do the physical things around you look different, but so can the mental. Last year, I could find excitement in searching for the perfect gift to give my now-estranged sister at Christmas. This year, the intuitive, “Oh, she would love that” thought process has shifted from enthusiasm to depression, tangled in an endless debate over what the act of giving a gift represents. Would it make me a bad person to withhold something so simple as a Christmas present because of her substance use disorder? But then I remember the harsh and malicious messages she sent before I established boundaries and wonder if giving a gift would look like an olive branch I’m not ready—or willing—to extend.

This internal battle over what should be a straightforward decision underscores how much this dynamic has shifted. It’s her wrong to right, and while I want to give freely, I also want peace, which means respecting my own boundaries. I remind myself that I am still kind, even if I choose not to buy her a gift this year. These mental shifts, from excitement to doubt and self-reflection, are part of the more extensive journey of navigating this uncharted territory with grace and self-compassion.

Embracing a New Perspective

As another significant holiday approaches, I’ve come to terms with the fact that this season looks different. It’s not the joyous, traditional family gathering I grew up expecting. And yes, one important family member is missing. But this transitional period, while painful, feels like a metamorphosis.

Perhaps these changes are a sign of growth—individually and collectively. Maybe they’re leading to healthier dynamics in the long run. By focusing on what I can control, like creating a positive and loving atmosphere for my children, I’m finding empowerment in what could otherwise feel like a loss.

Tips for Reframing Your Holidays

If your holiday season feels unrecognizable this year, here are some ways to reframe it:

• Set Boundaries: Protect your mental and emotional health by deciding who and what you allow into your holiday space.
• Focus on Gratitude: Even amid change, find small things to be thankful for.
• Embrace the New: Look at this season as an opportunity for growth and reinvention rather than loss.
• Celebrate Differently: Create new traditions that reflect where you are in life now, not where you used to be.
• Be Kind to Yourself: Allow yourself to grieve the “old normal” while acknowledging the possibility of a brighter future.

You’re Not Alone

Holidays that don’t fit the traditional mold can feel isolating, but you’re not alone. Many of us are navigating uncharted waters, missing loved ones, or redefining the season. Remember, you can’t control everything, but you can control your perspective. And sometimes, the greatest gift you can give yourself is the permission to embrace change, however uncomfortable it may be.