Written from the experience and observations of Rhett Crull, Certified Addiction Interventionist

Substance use and its impact on loved ones often mirror each other in many ways. The behaviors displayed by individuals engaged in substance use are often reflected in their loved ones who are deeply affected by their behavior. Both parties can experience feelings of hopelessness, despair, and paranoia. Amid substance use, people may engage in deceitful or harmful behavior, and their loved ones may similarly engage in denial or unhealthy behaviors as they attempt to manage the situation. Loved ones may lie to themselves or others about the severity of the problem, deny its existence, and spend their time and energy trying to manage the crises of the moment, often at the expense of their own well-being.

Both individuals using substances and their loved ones may struggle with dishonesty, unmanageability, and exhaustion. While the person using substances may focus all their time and energy on maintaining their comfort, their loved ones often make it their mission to keep them comfortable. Attempts to control substance use and the person struggling with it are common but rarely successful. Both parties may eventually reach a breaking point—loved ones when they are “sick and tired of being sick and tired,” and the individual using substances hopefully before a crisis or worse occurs.

Understanding the parallel behaviors between individuals with substance use and their loved ones can offer insight into how both parties are affected by similar fears and challenges.

Self-Centered Fear

Self-centered fear often drives the actions of both individuals using substances and their loved ones. These fears can manifest in several ways:

Fear of Not Getting What We Want

• Individuals using substances may fear not getting what they need to maintain their comfort, such as substances, independence, or control.
• Loved ones may fear not having the sober, reliable, and honest relationship they long for.

Fear of Losing Something

• Individuals using substances may fear losing control, independence, or access to substances.
• Loved ones may fear losing their loved one, whether due to the substance use itself or to a deteriorating relationship.

Fear of Not Meeting Expectations

• Individuals using substances may fear they aren’t living up to the expectations of others, leading to feelings of inadequacy.
• Loved ones may fear they aren’t meeting the expectations of others in how they manage their loved one’s substance use, often leading to misguided attempts to “fix” the problem.

Fear of Not Meeting Personal Expectations

• Individuals using substances may feel guilt and shame for not living up to their own expectations, leading to self-medicating behaviors.
• Loved ones may feel exhausted and spiritually depleted, struggling with guilt and shame for not being able to change the situation.

Boundaries and Consequences

Both individuals using substances and their loved ones often struggle with boundaries and consequences. The individual engaged in substance use may disregard boundaries and consequences in their pursuit of maintaining their behavior, often at great personal and relational cost. Similarly, loved ones may overextend themselves emotionally, physically, and financially, disregarding boundaries in their efforts to help.

Solutions

Just as the challenges mirror each other, so do the solutions. Recovery requires both parties to acknowledge their roles and seek help. For individuals using substances, this may involve detox, treatment programs, or support groups. Loved ones also benefit from support, such as attending meetings, connecting with others in similar situations, and engaging in their own recovery process. Without taking these steps, both parties risk returning to harmful behaviors and thought patterns, perpetuating the cycle of substance use and unhealthy dependency.

The Journey

Recovery is a personal journey that must be undertaken individually. The individual using substances must take responsibility for their recovery, and their loved ones must do the same for their own healing. A loved one’s recovery should not be dependent on the sobriety of the person engaged in substance use. By focusing on their own journey, loved ones can maintain their well-being regardless of the choices of their loved ones.

Conclusion

Understanding the mirror-like relationship between individuals using substances and their loved ones highlights the fact that substance use is a family issue. It affects not just the individual but also their loved ones. Recognizing these parallels can lead to healthier relationships and a better path toward recovery for all involved. Both parties must engage in their own recovery processes to lead fulfilling and spiritually sound lives.