Introduction
This is a modernized rendition of Chapter 8, originally titled “To Wives,” from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. This version has been revised by WakeUp Carolina to include all individuals who can be impacted by a loved one’s substance use. We aim to create a progressive, inclusive, and recovery-friendly chapter that addresses not just spouses but also relatives, friends, and loved ones. We’ve replaced outdated language with terms that avoid stigmatization, focusing on compassion and understanding.
A Message to Relatives, Friends, and Loved Ones
When one person struggles with substance use, it affects many others—spouses, partners, parents, children, and friends. Each person involved feels the weight of their loved one’s behavior, often marked by fear, confusion, and helplessness. Among us are those who have found solutions and others who are still searching for peace. This chapter is for you, the relatives and friends of those battling substance use. The experiences shared here apply to anyone bound by ties of blood or affection to someone who struggles with substances.
Understanding the Struggle
We want you to know that we understand, perhaps better than most, the journey you’re on. We’ve made mistakes, felt deep pain, and experienced despair, but we also know that no situation is too complex or hopeless to overcome. We’ve walked the rough roads, dealing with hurt, pride, frustration, self-pity, misunderstanding, and fear—emotions that are anything but easy companions. We’ve felt sympathy and resentment, swinging between extremes, always hoping our loved ones would return to their true selves.
The Emotional Toll
Our loyalty and desire for our loved ones to lead fulfilling lives often led us into challenging situations. We’ve been unselfish and self-sacrificing, sometimes at the cost of our well-being. We’ve told lies to protect both our pride and our loved ones’ reputations. We’ve prayed, begged, and been patient. We’ve also lashed out in anger, run away in fear, and sought sympathy from others. Our homes have been battlegrounds, only to make peace the next morning, hoping against hope for lasting change.
Friends and family may have advised us to leave, but many of us returned, driven by the belief that our loved ones would change. They made solemn promises to stop using substances, and we believed them when no one else did. But soon, the cycle began again—a fresh outburst, a new wave of despair.
Living in Uncertainty
We often avoided social gatherings, never knowing when our loved one might have another episode. Our social lives shrank as we feared embarrassment or further conflict. When we did venture out, our loved one’s substance use or self-pity often ruined the occasion. Bill collectors, law enforcement, and even strangers sometimes became unwelcome visitors to our homes. We were called names like “nag” or “joykiller,” but the next day, when they were themselves again, we forgave and tried to forget.
Protecting Our Children and Ourselves
Some of us tried to shield our children from the reality of their parent’s substance use. We told them that their parent was sick, a truth more accurate than we realized. Our loved ones may have acted out in anger, causing chaos and fear. In desperation, some of us even turned to substances ourselves, mirroring the very behavior we hoped to escape. We sacrificed our wellness, hoping to find solace in similar self-destructive behaviors.
At times, we cut off communication, leading to criticism from others for abandoning our loved ones. But more often than not, we stayed, enduring the emotional toll.
Seeking Medical Help
As the substance use became more frequent and severe, we sought medical advice. The physical and mental symptoms terrified us—the deepening remorse, depression, and inferiority that seemed to consume our loved ones. We felt like animals on a treadmill, climbing wearily only to fall back in exhaustion. Many of us faced the final stage of this struggle, with our loved ones cycling through health resorts, rehabs, hospitals, and even jails. Sometimes, they faced delirium and insanity, with death looming near.
Acknowledging Our Mistakes
Under these conditions, we naturally made mistakes, often out of ignorance about the nature of substance use. Sometimes, we sensed that we were dealing with someone who was genuinely ill. Had we fully understood this, we might have acted differently.
We questioned how our loved ones could be so unthinking, callous, and cruel. We doubted their love and were baffled when they would suddenly show renewed resolve, only to relapse again. We wondered where we went wrong. When under the influence, they became strangers—unreachable, as though a wall had been built around them.
Understanding the Reality of Substance Use
Even if our loved ones didn’t seem to love their families, we couldn’t understand why they were so blind about themselves. What had happened to their judgment, common sense, and willpower? Why couldn’t they see that substance use was destroying them? Why did they agree to stop, only to use again immediately?
These are the questions that haunt everyone who has a loved one struggling with substance use. Perhaps your loved one is living in a distorted world where everything is exaggerated. You may see glimpses of their better self, but their actions are often warped by their illness.
Approaching with Compassion
We try not to condemn our struggling loved ones, no matter what they say or do. They are sick and unreasonable, like someone with a severe physical illness. When they anger you, remember that they are very ill.
When to Draw the Line
However, there is an important exception. Some individuals are thoroughly bad-intentioned, and no amount of patience will make a difference. Such individuals may use this chapter as a weapon against you, manipulating your compassion. Don’t let them. If you’re certain your loved one falls into this category, it may be best to leave them, especially when they have the option to seek help if they truly want to change.
Recognizing Different Types of Substance Use
The challenges you face will likely fall into one of four categories:
1. The Heavy User
Your loved one may be a heavy user of substances. Their use may be constant or occur only on certain occasions. They may spend too much money on substances, slowing them down mentally and physically, though they may not see it. Sometimes, they embarrass you and your friends. They’re convinced they can handle their substance use and see it as essential to their lifestyle. They might be insulted if labeled a “substance user.” Many people fall into this category. Some will moderate or stop, while others will not. Some may pay the ultimate cost while chasing their substance.
2. The Person Struggling for Control
Your loved one may show a lack of control, unable to stay on the straight and narrow even when they want to. They often spiral out of control when under the influence but are positive they will do better next time. They’ve begun to try various methods of moderation or abstinence, with or without your help. They may lose friends, and their business or career may start to suffer. They’re worried and becoming aware that they cannot use substances like others. They might use substances in the morning and throughout the day to control their anxiety. After severe bouts of substance use, they express remorse and tell you they want to stop. But when they recover, they begin to think about how they can manage better next time. This person is in danger, displaying the early signs of a severe substance use issue. While they may still function reasonably well, they need to want to stop.
3. The Person Who Has Lost Control
This person has gone further than the previous two categories. They’ve deteriorated, lost friends, and their home life is in disarray. They may struggle to hold a job, and their health may be declining. Doctors and healthcare professionals may be involved, and the cycle of rehabs and hospitals has likely begun. They acknowledge that they can’t use substances like others, but they don’t understand why. They cling to the belief that they can find a way to regain control. They desperately want to stop but feel they cannot. There is hope for a situation like this.
4. The Person in Crisis
You may have a loved one who seems beyond hope. They’ve been in and out of institutions, and when under the influence, they may be violent or appear insane. Sometimes, they start using substances on the way home from the hospital. They may have experienced severe withdrawal symptoms, and doctors may recommend institutionalization. Perhaps you’ve already had to commit them. While this situation seems bleak, many people have recovered from similar circumstances.
Dealing with Each Category
The Heavy User
Oddly enough, heavy users can be difficult to deal with because they enjoy their substance use. It stimulates their imagination, and they feel closer to others when under the influence. Perhaps you enjoy using substances with them when they don’t go too far. You’ve spent enjoyable evenings together, and you understand the social aspect of substance use.
The first principle of success is to remain calm when you become angry. Even if your loved one becomes unbearable and you need to distance yourself temporarily, do so without bitterness. Patience and a positive attitude usually yield better results. This doesn’t mean you should ignore your own needs or those of your children.
The Struggler
If your loved one falls into the second category, continue to practice the same principles. But after their next episode, ask if they would like to stop using substances for good. Don’t ask them to do it for you or anyone else. Ask if they want to change. If they’re enthusiastic, your support will be invaluable. If they’re lukewarm or in denial, give them space. The seed has been planted, and they know that others have successfully recovered. Don’t push them, as this often drives them away. Instead, live your own life. Encourage them when they’re ready, and provide them with information about resources and support groups. Allow them to take the lead in their recovery.
The Person Who Has Lost Control
This person is often already on the verge of realizing their situation. Your role is to offer unwavering support without applying too much pressure. Understand that they’re frightened and confused, and your patience will be tested. They may make progress only to relapse, but they need to know that you’re there for them. Share the stories of others who have recovered and offer to help them find support. Encourage them to seek treatment or attend meetings, but let them decide to commit. It’s crucial to avoid shaming or blaming, as this can push them further into despair.
The Person in Crisis
This is the most challenging category, as the situation may seem hopeless. However, many people have recovered from even the most severe substance use disorders. The first step is to ensure their safety and the safety of others. If necessary, involve professionals who can provide appropriate care, such as healthcare providers, therapists, or law enforcement. Once the immediate crisis is under control, you can begin to explore treatment options. It’s essential to maintain hope and offer support while also setting firm boundaries. Recovery is possible, but it will require time, patience, and a willingness to accept help.
Practicing Patience and Compassion
Regardless of where your loved one falls on this spectrum, patience and compassion are vital. Recovery is a journey, not a destination, and it often involves setbacks. As you navigate this journey together, remember that your role is to support, not control. Your loved one’s recovery must come from within them, but your understanding and encouragement can make a significant difference.
Taking Care of Yourself
In your efforts to support your loved one, don’t neglect your own well-being. Substance use disorders affect everyone involved, and it’s crucial to prioritize your health and happiness. Seek out support groups, therapy, or counseling to help you cope with the challenges you’re facing. Remember, you’re not alone—many others have walked this path and found peace and healing. By taking care of yourself, you’ll be better equipped to support your loved one on their journey to recovery.
Moving Forward Together
Recovery is a process that requires time, effort, and commitment from everyone involved. By approaching your loved one with compassion and understanding, setting healthy boundaries, and seeking support for yourself, you can help create a foundation for lasting change. It won’t be easy, but it is possible. With patience, love, and determination, you and your loved one can overcome the challenges of substance use and build a brighter future together.
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